What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 01:46
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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She married twice! .
Why did i forgive my father ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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Im still living with it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Ive learnt so much.
How could Trump, with his deplorable garbage supporters, manage to win an election?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She wouldn,t have been !
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why is it that women are stronger than men nowadays?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Would this be the day?
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What did i know ?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why do some people have sex with dogs?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I said to her
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
What have you learned from your parents' mistakes?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I always feel very tired after I do some exercises, even after a night's sleep. What's the problem?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She found it foreign!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I think the readers, may guess!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My life is so biszare .
This is soul school!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I waited trembling.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was 9 years of age.
She loved him until the end.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I will be 64.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So whats the point in blame.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Was to survive, this bastard.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I don,t even have a pension.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was scared of men, in general
I could never make a relationship work though!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So, i spoilt her more .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One cannot live in the past .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My family never makes their pension either.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We were not on the streets..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He resisted the act ,that day.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
All the time i was locked up.
But ive been too sick for many years..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He knew the spot.
Put me off passion for life!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I write beautiful poetry .
But, we were locked up after school.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And i lived it daily.
I was seconnd youngest,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Comes on , in middle age.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Who then, do I blame.?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But it wasn’t much.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We all went to grammer schools
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I have no regrets .
It was going to be , some day.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She was in good health!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..